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Some thoughts on polyamory, D/s, and being cucked
Polyamory and kink have been inseparable for me since I joined the kink scene eight years ago. Until now, I have never questioned if I wanted to do kink with multiple partners because the people I’ve been interested in doing it with already had other partners when I met them. For a few months now, the situation has been different, though. I am currently in a monogam-ish relationship, and it seems I like the comfort of it. But it also makes me feel ashamed.
A broken toy
It’s amazing how adaptable one can be to scarceness. How in the face of a shortage, norms redefine themselves. How your brain finds ways to explain and accept the new circumstances. How after the initial period of terror and panic, new means for coping with deficiencies are adopted and your life continues as if it has always been this way.
Rope as a tool for opening up one’s heart
Lately, I haven't been tied that much. For a number of reasons.
Not that much means once every two weeks when it used to be twice every week. That means a fourfold decrease in frequency. A couple of months ago, it would be devastating to me. Right now, it's interesting.
It's interesting because it allows me to observe my reactions to these new circumstances and learn more about myself and my relation to rope bondage. As it turns out, the opportunities to learn and deepen your practice are abundant if your mind is open to it.
There seems to be a common misconception about what it means to be objectified
People know that I am into objectification so they sometimes approach me to talk about it. After going through a number of these talks, I saw one common idea repeated over and over again.
That to be objectified means to behave like an object.
Savouring jealousy
It's such a complex feeling and such a delicious one to unpack. Jealousy is something that I have been intrigued by from the moment that I realized that it is possible to incorporate it into play. It plays on human most basic fears of loneliness, abandonment and not being enough. And that offers tremendous possibilities for emotional suffering.
Mindsets in which I love to receive pain
I think that I am a weird masochist. If I can be called one at all (to hell with the labels anyway).
I haven’t always been like that. In general, what I like a function of what my partners enjoy. Recently, however, I began to realize that I do also have my own taste for certain things.
On the pleasure of feeling shame
Shame is a problematic emotion. In principle, it is a negative and not desirable one, of course. Especially for women, shame about our sexuality is deeply ingrained in us culturally, partly as a means of control. If you can control someone's sexuality, you can very easily gain control over other aspects of their lives, as you thwart their self-expression and don't allow them to look for the answers by themselves (yes, I do kind of say that everything, in the end, is about sex).
I have a thing for rejection
The moments when he points my head away from him, denying me his sight, when he reaches out to touch my face but in the last moment he slaps me instead. The moments when he pushes my body away with his foot like it's something disgusting that doesn't deserve to be touched with hands...
... are the moments that I am waiting for.
There is so much sadness in me, it’s almost spilling over the brim
It’s interesting what you can find when you stop doing for a moment and start feeling yourself instead. I’m trying to do it more lately, and one of the things that I’ve found is an enormous sadness. Not depressive, my-life-sucks kind of sadness. I think that I have a pretty good life. More like a calm and appreciative sadness.