All my thoughts and stories are here…
Searching for anything specific?
So you wanted to play?
‘You want to play, don’t you?’ he says, hovering his finger near my lips, waiting for them to open. They always do. I am open to him any time he wants. Available 24/7, even though we’re far from having a 24/7 D/s relationship. Or are we?
‘I do,’ I say as if it were even necessary.
‘Oh, you do, huh? But you know it’s going to hurt, right? And not in the way you like.’
My eyes grow bigger with fear as he smiles, his eyes tingling with delight. ‘You think I am going to hurt you physically and then fuck you? We don’t have time for that. We have to make it to the movies. Plus, you want it and there is no fun in that,’ he says, ‘I am going to play with you mentally. And it’s going to hurt. Do you still want to play?’
Some thoughts on polyamory, D/s, and being cucked
Polyamory and kink have been inseparable for me since I joined the kink scene eight years ago. Until now, I have never questioned if I wanted to do kink with multiple partners because the people I’ve been interested in doing it with already had other partners when I met them. For a few months now, the situation has been different, though. I am currently in a monogam-ish relationship, and it seems I like the comfort of it. But it also makes me feel ashamed.
I’m yours before you even begin to want it
It was enough to see that calculating look on your face for me to open up to you like a vault opens up to its rightful owner. The moment you looked at me the way a hunter looks at his prey - already dividing its dead carcass in his mind’s eye - I was yours. You could have thought that it took us two dates for you to have me (not particularly long). But it’s not true. It was a 30 seconds gaze. That’s all.
On submission as my way to taste the forbidden
I have a tendency to be swept off my feet by men. People who have known me for a bit can confirm.
Not by all men, that is.
In general, I tend to be rather intimidating and hard to impress. Sometimes, I can be a girl who emanates the vibe of ‘better don’t come close unless you have something really interesting to say. And I mean: really interesting’.
A broken toy
It’s amazing how adaptable one can be to scarceness. How in the face of a shortage, norms redefine themselves. How your brain finds ways to explain and accept the new circumstances. How after the initial period of terror and panic, new means for coping with deficiencies are adopted and your life continues as if it has always been this way.
There seems to be a common misconception about what it means to be objectified
People know that I am into objectification so they sometimes approach me to talk about it. After going through a number of these talks, I saw one common idea repeated over and over again.
That to be objectified means to behave like an object.
Do you know what it means to be someone's property?
It means being used, but only when they want to use you.
Sometimes it's less often than you would wish for. Sometimes it's more. Your view on frequency does not matter. They are not there to make you happy. Physical objects don’t get frustrated from not being used. Neither do they get overwhelmed from being used too much. Sometimes, they might get a bit worn out or dusty, but with proper care, it is usually fixable. Maintenance is what gives things their history and what adds to their depth.
The unvoiced truth of your touch
It’s unbelievable how much I can read from the way I am being touched by someone. How many unspoken desires and motifs can spring from under the tips of their fingers. How subtle but at the same clear those unuttered truths are.
Sometimes, I wish that you’d kiss me more
I don't dare to tell you that, because I don't want you to think that I'm greedy (which I am) or ungrateful (which I am not).
I do cherish every single moment when your soft lips touch mine like it's my last moment on Earth. In fact, at that moment, I wish that it was the last one. I wish that I could just stay like that forever, captured in an illusion of us together, loving and tender.
I just think that I should be used
Some people might call me a slut, but I don't think that I am one. As far as I understand, being a slut is about enjoying sex and having as much of it as possible because you have pleasure from it. I don't care about my pleasure. I just think that I should be used. Other people should have pleasure from my body. That's their right.
My reflections on giving blowjobs
I’ve been told that I have amazing blowjob giving skills. I don’t know if it is true but if it is, I think that it's not really about my technique or physical capabilities. In that realm, there are many things that I could improve. Rather, I believe that it's about my devotion during the act and about my stamina.
Sometimes I wonder where the borders of my submission are?
Sometimes I wonder what are the things that I wouldn’t do for you? So far, it seems like I would do anything that is physically possible in order to please you. I find it weirdly exciting and empowering. It is strange how my attitude towards submission is changing. Not long ago I would see it as a weakness. Being so subdued, so obedient. Right now I see it as a sign of power.
My reflections after reading ‘Story of O’
It’s way too late for me to read this book only now, but better later than never, I guess. It is such a deep account of a mind of a woman who gives herself entirely to someone else and it stirred up so much in me that I just had to collect my thoughts together after reading.
With him I go so quiet that I almost disappear
Have you ever met someone that you've been so submissive towards that when you are around them, your entire personality basically disappears? They ask you about your opinion and all you can think about is what opinion would they like you to have? They ask you what you want and your mind goes blank because you don't want anything, except for giving the right answer to their questions.
Does being an experienced dominant really mean being a better dominant? And what does ‘better dominant’ even mean?
“Hi Door, I am an experienced Dom/Top/Master...” I can’t even count how many times I’ve received a message starting with this sentence. Yesterday it happened again, and I began wondering, why do so many Ds (let’s just call them that for the sake of brevity) think that it is such important information to share when they are approaching someone?
Defining a Toy
I love to figure myself out. And lately, I've been asking myself a lot what does it mean that I identify as a Toy? Why do I feel like it fits me better than a submissive or a masochist that I’ve labelled myself before? Because it's not like I am not submissive or not masochistic. I am. But there is something about Toy that gives a distinct flavour to all the other roles that I identify with. And it really speaks to me.
Thank you for making everything fall into place
I am not sure if it would be possible for me to live my life this way the entire time. I'm not yet sure if I would want to. There are other parts of me that need catering to which I feel like I was abandoning when I was with you. Yet, being around you, there was a quiet and calmness in me that I’ve never experienced before. Everything seemed to be in the right place. I was in the right place. All that matters had been taken care of and all the rest disappeared. It was a new and powerful experience.
Losing a dominant
Apparently all good things must come to an end, and sometimes the end comes sooner and more unexpected than one would want. It is a tough lesson to learn, but it makes me appreciate even more the short moments of joy that I experience in my life sometimes. Being his property was definitely one of those moments.
Maybe submission is not cool but embracing it, is
Anyone who has seen me play can tell that there is nothing more natural to me than to submit. The moment that I feel that someone has the power to take over and dominate me, I lean into it immediately. There is no struggle in me to let go. Nobody has to earn my submission. It's right under the surface the entire time, just waiting to be discovered. You don't even have to do much. It’s enough if you just scratch it and I'm already yours, staring at you with my puppy eyes and longing for more.
Being a submissive is not cool
The more I play and the deeper my submission to my owner becomes, the more I realize that I don't accept it in myself. I'm not at peace with being a submissive. I don't find it cool. No matter how much I hear that it's beautiful. No matter how much people preach that it's a strength to be able to open up and make yourself so vulnerable, that it's a strength to be true to yourself, to recognize your needs and to follow them. I don't find it strength if what I want is to be weak.