All my thoughts and stories are here…
Searching for anything specific?
When the time comes I want to be empty for You so that You can fill me in
I’ve been recently shedding off more and more of my expectations and (what I think are) my needs, in rope, in BDSM and in life in general. I began to realize that they are clouding my experience of what is right in front of me. Instead of living my life in the shape that it is having at this moment, and learning from it, I dream almost constantly about the things that might happen or about the things that I miss. The fact is, though, that no need or desire fulfilled in my dreams is better than the most mundane reality. Because nothing beats direct experience.
Rope bottoming reflections after the EURIX Round Table - vol.1 Empowerment and authenticity
During the last Eurix, in the Fall of ‘19, I selfishly organized a round table discussion on rope modelling. I say selfishly because I felt a need for better defining what rope bottoming is about, what are the different ways to approach it, and what are the skills that people see as valuable and worth practising as a rope model (if any), and I wanted to use that discussion to find the answers to at least some of these questions.
Rope as a tool for opening up one’s heart
Lately, I haven't been tied that much. For a number of reasons.
Not that much means once every two weeks when it used to be twice every week. That means a fourfold decrease in frequency. A couple of months ago, it would be devastating to me. Right now, it's interesting.
It's interesting because it allows me to observe my reactions to these new circumstances and learn more about myself and my relation to rope bondage. As it turns out, the opportunities to learn and deepen your practice are abundant if your mind is open to it.
There seems to be a common misconception about what it means to be objectified
People know that I am into objectification so they sometimes approach me to talk about it. After going through a number of these talks, I saw one common idea repeated over and over again.
That to be objectified means to behave like an object.
Do you know what it means to be someone's property?
It means being used, but only when they want to use you.
Sometimes it's less often than you would wish for. Sometimes it's more. Your view on frequency does not matter. They are not there to make you happy. Physical objects don’t get frustrated from not being used. Neither do they get overwhelmed from being used too much. Sometimes, they might get a bit worn out or dusty, but with proper care, it is usually fixable. Maintenance is what gives things their history and what adds to their depth.
To me, rope is about eroticism
I feel like I've been circling around this topic a lot, but I've never directly expressed it. So here I say it, to me rope bondage is an erotic activity. It can be more or less sexual depending on the circumstances but an element of eroticism is always there.
On handling rejection in rope
I do have a lot of experience with rejection in tango because the specifics of this dance and the social norms surrounding it are basically built around the notion of rejection. I think that my experience from tango can be really well translated into rope reality and can be helpful to some people. It certainly has been for me as I think that it is one of the reasons why I can quite often avoid rejection altogether and I handle it pretty well if it happens.
On the merit of patience in rope models
I haven’t always been a patient model. In fact, I used to be a very impatient and annoying one. I used to be a model that would always want to be played with and entertained and couldn’t stand rope tops practising things on her. (…) I became a very patient and obedient model. (…) I would like to share here the realizations that brought me to that mindset, as I do think that patience is one of the most important qualities for creating beautiful kinbaku that a model can have and that it doesn't only benefit the riggers but also the models themselves.
Thoughts upon recovering from a rope injury
I've been tied a lot lately and I think that I can finally say that I'm back to my full physical fitness from before the injury. It feels great to be able to be in ropes again without constant vigilance over what's happening in my body. To be able to let go like I used to do.
My thoughts on objectification in Japanese rope bondage and the differences between the ways that the Japanese and the Westerners do rope
Some time ago, I’ve been teaching a workshop on objectification in rope with Soptik and during one of the feedback rounds an interesting statement was made by one of the participants. They indicated that they are currently mainly practising Naka style and therefore objectification was a very unnatural (but also interesting) way for them to treat their model. I was extremely surprised by this statement because the way that I see Naka style is that it is extremely objectifying.
The unvoiced truth of your touch
It’s unbelievable how much I can read from the way I am being touched by someone. How many unspoken desires and motifs can spring from under the tips of their fingers. How subtle but at the same clear those unuttered truths are.
What I want to experience in rope is You
I tie with different riggers who have very different styles, but there is a conviction amongst the people who know me that my prefered style of being tied in, is the more traditional Japanese rope bondage, let’s call it kinbaku (I realize that it is a vague term, but I think that most of the people reading this post will have some idea of what I mean). Therefore, often when I say that I enjoyed tying with someone who doesn’t fit into that box, I get very surprised reactions.
Sometimes, I wish that you’d kiss me more
I don't dare to tell you that, because I don't want you to think that I'm greedy (which I am) or ungrateful (which I am not).
I do cherish every single moment when your soft lips touch mine like it's my last moment on Earth. In fact, at that moment, I wish that it was the last one. I wish that I could just stay like that forever, captured in an illusion of us together, loving and tender.
Lessons on shame, objectification and humiliation in rope from Soptik and Door
Recently, I've been a model for an amazing workshop by Soptik on objectification and humiliation in rope. He asked me to be his partner because, as he says, I'm a 'perfect object'. I guess that what he means by that is that I let people do anything to me without fighting back. And I enjoy it. It was very interesting to be able to show and share with people the states in which I love to be, but also in which I am at my most vulnerable.
I just think that I should be used
Some people might call me a slut, but I don't think that I am one. As far as I understand, being a slut is about enjoying sex and having as much of it as possible because you have pleasure from it. I don't care about my pleasure. I just think that I should be used. Other people should have pleasure from my body. That's their right.
Mindsets in which I love to receive pain
I think that I am a weird masochist. If I can be called one at all (to hell with the labels anyway).
I haven’t always been like that. In general, what I like a function of what my partners enjoy. Recently, however, I began to realize that I do also have my own taste for certain things.
On the pleasure of feeling shame
Shame is a problematic emotion. In principle, it is a negative and not desirable one, of course. Especially for women, shame about our sexuality is deeply ingrained in us culturally, partly as a means of control. If you can control someone's sexuality, you can very easily gain control over other aspects of their lives, as you thwart their self-expression and don't allow them to look for the answers by themselves (yes, I do kind of say that everything, in the end, is about sex).
Going through a rope injury-induced existential crisis
What was bound to happen, has happened. I got injured when doing rope. It’s not your typical wrist drop, but some weird strain of the muscles in my shoulder, which in turn compresses my nerves. At least that is what the physiotherapist told me. The technicalities are beside the point of this writing though (although I do realize that it is an interesting topic in itself). What I want to talk about is how it makes me feel, because writing about stuff usually helps me get over it and in this case getting over it is highly advisable as I am going a bit crazy.
I have a thing for rejection
The moments when he points my head away from him, denying me his sight, when he reaches out to touch my face but in the last moment he slaps me instead. The moments when he pushes my body away with his foot like it's something disgusting that doesn't deserve to be touched with hands...
... are the moments that I am waiting for.
My reflections after reading ‘Story of O’
It’s way too late for me to read this book only now, but better later than never, I guess. It is such a deep account of a mind of a woman who gives herself entirely to someone else and it stirred up so much in me that I just had to collect my thoughts together after reading.