So you wanted to play?

‘You want to play, don’t you?’ he says, hovering his finger near my lips, waiting for them to open. They always do. I am open to him any time he wants. Available 24/7, even though we’re far from having a 24/7 D/s relationship. Or are we?

‘I do,’ I say as if it were even necessary.

‘Oh, you do, huh? But you know it’s going to hurt, right? And not in the way you like.’

My eyes grow bigger with fear as he smiles, his eyes tingling with delight. ‘You think I am going to hurt you physically and then fuck you? We don’t have time for that. We have to make it to the movies. Plus, you want it and there is no fun in that,’ he says, ‘I am going to play with you mentally. And it’s going to hurt. Do you still want to play?’

My thoughts start to swarm. I do want to play. There has never been a time when I did not want him to play with me. But I don’t want to be hurt badly. And I know this play is going to hurt a lot. I am already expecting what it is going to be. Last time it happened, he called me right away and told me over the phone, which made me angry and detached. ‘Why am I not enough? Why does he need more? Why now? Couldn’t he wait?’ My mind would not stop. So I said that the next time he fucks her, I only want to find out when we are together and only during play. I expected it to be easier somehow, or if not easier, then at least more fun than hearing over the phone: ‘It happened. I had sex with the student. And no, she did not stay over.’

‘You look scared. What is going through your head? What do you think is going to happen?’ he asks.

‘I think you’ve slept with her again.’

‘You think so? You think I am going to tell you about what I did with the student last Monday?’

‘Yes.’

And he does. My chest tightens, and I lose my breath for a bit as he starts telling me about what happened. And then something heavy, slippery, and way too big to fit in starts travelling down my throat.

‘You think I am going to tell you how she sucked me off? And that she could take it pretty deep?’ He takes my shirt off and unbuttons his pants. ‘Just like you are going to suck me off now. And show me how deep you can take it?’

I look at him, but I do not proceed to move down towards his crotch. ‘You don’t want to do it, huh? You really don’t want to suck my cock now, don’t you? This makes it so much more fun, though,‘ he says, pushing me down and forcing himself into my mouth, ‘maybe you can even still taste her? Can you?’

It is a rhetorical question. I definitely can't, especially since they were using a condom. But I still try to discern her taste from his. No trace, though. I proceed with the blowjob, but it is a half-hearted one. My mouth is numb. My whole body is numb. I want to disappear. That would make it easier for everyone. He would be free to fuck the student as much as he wants. Everyone else would be spared the awkwardness of having to deal with me on a daily basis.

‘C’mon, you can do better than this. I know you do. Make some effort.’

I follow the orders. I make an effort. I go deep. Maybe even deeper than I usually do, as by now I don’t feel anything anymore. And following orders is easier than dealing with myself at the moment.

‘I want you to fuck me now. Take your pants off and ride me,’ he says while taking his off. I slip out of my black velvet trousers and black lacy panties. I take off the socks as well, as I know a naked woman with only the socks on is not an appealing sight. And I still want to be appealing to him, even if the way I feel now, the chance he finds me appealing is slim. I swing my leg over him, lowering down to let him slip his cock into me. Then I start riding him while he is caressing my nipples. But I feel like being on autopilot.

‘You like it, don’t you?’ he asks, and I turn my head away. I don’t.

‘You find it hot. I can see it. Do you find it hot to imagine you are now in exactly the same position as she was a few days ago? Hungry for my cock just as you are.’

His eyes are piercing, and I can’t stand looking into them. The image of me riding him is melting with her in my brain, and it’s all I can think of. He starts bouncing my hips to go faster, and that increases my pleasure, so I moan, and immediately, an image of her moaning appears in my head. I imagine him looking at her with hungry, desiring eyes. The same eyes he had when we got a lap dance together, and a skinny red-headed stripper was humping on his lap while I sat next to them. I’ve never seen him looking like that at me. So turned on. So desiring more.

‘You are zoning out. Tell me what you see.’,

‘I don’t know,’ I reply.

‘You don’t know what you see? You’re lying. Tell me what you see. NOW!’

‘I see her riding you and moaning with pleasure.’

‘Just like you are riding me now? What is she wearing?’

‘Nothing,’ I lie, even though I see her wearing a white lacy bra.

I don’t know why I lie. I guess it is easier than telling the truth. Doesn’t raise so many questions. Because why lacy white? Is it because it is something I would never wear myself? Is my brain trying to make clear how much different she is from me? Younger, prettier, with a more beautiful body. Wearing innocent lingerie while being a slut that I am not? Enjoying sex and initiating it for her own pleasure while all I can do is scream into a pillow while being ‘raped’?

I start moaning more because he is squeezing and caressing my nipples and making me go faster. ‘Are you cumming? Are you going to cum thinking about her fucking me on a couch?’ I shake my head.

‘No. No. No. No.’ It can not happen. I don’t want it. I numb myself even more. And it doesn’t.

‘Alright, get off and blow me again. But this time go on your knees.’

‘Why does he want me to go on my knees? That’s probably how she blew him,’ I think, and I can see it right away, her kneeling in front of him, looking him in the eyes while taking him deep into her mouth. With pleasure but teasing. Confident in her ability to satisfy him and happily owning the power to do it.

‘Are you imagining her in your position now?’ he asks again, taking his dick out of my mouth and pushing me towards his balls, ‘Do you think she kissed them too?’ I start sucking them, ‘or sucked them?’ I nod.

‘You know, I’ve told her I’m going to cuck you using her, and she didn’t mind. She might even be up for you being in the same room one day. She thinks she might like it. Seeing you cry in the corner while I fuck her hard doggy style. I’ll be rough with her. Just how you would wish me to be with you.’

‘Does she like that too?’ I think. ‘Of course she does. That’s why she’s into him. So he can fuck her hard. But why does she want me to be there? So they can both laugh at me? She must think I’m fucked up and pathetic. Having my boyfriend fuck other women whenever he wants. Wanting to watch but not participate. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like other girls who are into threesomes? Why don’t I want to get something out of it as well? How low I must have gone to agree to my boyfriend fucking other women and telling me the details without being able (or even wanting) to do the same? Why do I let him break my heart voluntarily? And do it over and over again? Why does he even want to be with such a pathetic thing?’

‘Do you see her sucking my balls like you are now? Do you think she went down to my asshole too?’ I shake my head.

‘No, I don’t think so. She’s not devoted to him like I am,’ I think.

‘You don’t think so, huh? But you will, won't you?’ he says while sinking deeper into my couch and exposing his asshole to me. I nod and start licking it and pushing my tongue inside devotedly. So that I can finally disappear into an action that only I would do. So I can get her image overlaid on mine out of my head and focus on being nobody. A toy made to please him. The only woman he can do whatever he wants to and who will keep coming back. Nobody else is that pathetic.

It is not a reassuring thought, though. It’s a stone-pulling-you-deep-into-dark-desperate-waters thought. It’s a thought that when I am done licking him clean and it’s time for aftercare, the only place I am able to take it is on the floor next to his legs, but barely touching them. And the only other thought that is in my head next to this one is ‘I don’t want to be me’.

Some thoughts on polyamory, D/s, and being cucked

No conclusions, just a lot of questions.

Where I am now, and where I came from.

Polyamory and kink have been inseparable for me since I joined the kink scene eight years ago. Until now, I have never questioned if I wanted to do kink with multiple partners because the people I’ve been interested in doing it with already had other partners when I met them. For a few months now, the situation has been different, though. I am currently in a monogam-ish relationship, and it seems I like the comfort of it. But it also makes me feel ashamed.

I used to think that the way I want to do kink will always have to do with doing it with multiple partners. I loved the thrill of the first rope session, the feeling of a new dominant energy descending upon me, and everything that came with it. The way the particular alchemy of us two meeting together revealed parts of me that nobody had seen before. The intensity of humiliation of being dominated by someone I barely knew. But recent experiences have made me reconsider if my ideas around kink were just a story I told myself to cope with a reality that was less than perfect.

I started my current relationship having multiple existing partners, but, for one reason or another (not related to the newly forming relationship), they all disappeared over a few months. My partner started out with no other partners and no experience in polyamory, but a strong interest in non-monogamy. We went through a few bumps related to his jealousy over my existing partners, but it’s over now. We’re on steady waters. I can play with other people, and it does not stir him up.

What triggered this whole exploration?

My jealousy, on the other hand, seems to be growing. It doesn’t help that one of our kinks is cucking. And igniting and intensifying jealousy is a big part of it. It is not an issue when the person he’s cucking me with does not seem like a steady relationship candidate. It becomes a problem when it turns out they might be, but my thoughts and feelings towards them have been set when they were the ‘cupcake’, and are now reluctant to change. It happened some time ago, and it completely freaked me out. But it also made me think. I imagined what it would be like to have to share him with another person. To meet my metamour at social events. To interact with them. And I couldn’t. What I have done before with other partners I could not bring myself to imagine happening with him. So I started asking myself, ‘Why?’.

I’ve always wanted an owner, and I might need him to belong to me too.

One thing that came to my mind was that the depth of ownership I am interested in might not be possible when playing with multiple people. I might be made for exclusivity, at least in some dimensions, and the reason I suffered so much in my previous relationships might have been because it was not there. And not only on my side. Whether I like it or not, I might need my dominant’s full attention to be able to safely give as much as I want to. In the past, I longed so much to feel owned by someone and to be used for their fun and pleasure that I gave myself to others haphazardly. If someone seemed like the right candidate, I would offer myself to them fully, whether they were equipped to deal with all the implications or not. I dealt with them instead. But looking back, I don’t think it was a healthy setup.

With him, it’s different. I know he cares about me deeply, and even if I like to think that I also cared deeply about other people in the past, what I feel towards him is not something I would allow myself to feel towards my previous partners. And probably rightfully so. If I think about it, it would not be healthy for me to belong to someone as fully as I feel I belong to him if he had multiple other partners with the same level of commitment. I simply can’t imagine getting the same level of attention and care from my past partners, no matter how much they wished they could give it to me (which they often didn’t and couldn’t). And I start to believe that I need that level of care and attention for the level of intensity I crave.

Or am I just a jealous bitch?

At the same time, I can’t disentangle whether my reluctance to introduce new partners into our constellation is really driven by the fact that the D/s I want requires some form of exclusivity or if it is just my petty jealousy telling me that I need him only for myself. Because I do believe he cares more about me than any other partner did in the past. And that means I have the power to say ‘no’ where previously I didn’t. So I might be exercising the right to say it just because I can. It is shameful to think about it, but I can’t deny that it might be true.

I can’t reconcile cucking and poly.

Then there is the whole cucking play topic, which has always been my kink, and I experimented with it a bit before, but my current partner is the first person I’ve met who is really into it and with whom I could properly explore it. But I can’t wrap my head around how to marry it with polyamory. To me, being cucked has a lot to do with exploring jealousy and feelings of inferiority, which I find hot and intriguing. But then, if you want a healthy attitude towards your metamour, your goal is not to feel jealous of them. And if your partner wants to reassure you when you feel insecure, they should try to make you feel equally important and special, and not worse than any of their other partners. I feel like this can’t be reconciled with being cucked. Of course, you could say you do cucking with one person and poly with another, but how do you know what to do with whom? And is it ever possible to switch from being cucked with someone to being their metamour? How much emotional and mental gymnastics would I have to do to make it possible? And is it worth the effort?

I can’t(?) reconcile poly and getting my emotional needs met.

And then there is my recent realization that getting my emotional needs fulfilled is actually possible, but it clashes with being polyamorous in my case. It seems that I am not that bad at expressing my emotional needs in a monogam-ish relationship in which their fulfillment hinges mostly on one person. If I know that he is my ‘boyfriend’, I don’t doubt that I can walk up to him (almost) any time and ask for what I need (while not necessarily needing to get it, it’s mostly about the freedom to ask in this case). Things change when more partners are involved. In that scenario, I become withdrawn, waiting for the partner’s initiative because I am unsure if they want me to approach them, especially if they are busy with another partner. What I think then is something like: ‘They should be spending their time with and giving their attention to whoever they see fit. If they are talking to this person now, it means it is what they want. If they wanted to talk to me, they would come to me. But they don’t. So I need to take care of myself.’ This kind of thinking makes me feel emotionally deprived and lonely, and as other partners often don’t have these kinds of inhibitions, they end up getting more attention than I do, simply because they ask and I don’t, which makes me even more hurt and withdrawn.

(Non)conclusion

To sum it up, there is no conclusion. I don’t know what to do with all this. I used to strongly believe in polyamory. For a long while, I was solo poly and quite happy at that. I thought that this was the best way for me to be in a relationship since I needed quite a lot of personal space and freedom. At the same time, now that I’ve met someone I am comfortable with saying they are my ‘primary’ partner (I put it in quotation marks because I still don’t like hierarchy in relationships, another thing that makes poly hard, taking into account all that I wrote above), I am not sure about that anymore. It might be that back then, I just hadn't met the right person, and solo poly was a story I was telling myself to not feel lonely and worthless as a relationship material. Or maybe long-term, this relationship will not succeed if monogam-ish, stifled by too much closeness and dependence on each other, which was not aligned with my true nature after all?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I am currently questioning many of my past life choices and wondering how to reconcile my values with my needs, feelings, and kinks. You can’t have it all, they say. Which part of ‘all’ am I the most willing to forsake? And can’t I really?