So you wanted to play?

‘You want to play, don’t you?’ he says, hovering his finger near my lips, waiting for them to open. They always do. I am open to him any time he wants. Available 24/7, even though we’re far from having a 24/7 D/s relationship. Or are we?

‘I do,’ I say as if it were even necessary.

‘Oh, you do, huh? But you know it’s going to hurt, right? And not in the way you like.’

My eyes grow bigger with fear as he smiles, his eyes tingling with delight. ‘You think I am going to hurt you physically and then fuck you? We don’t have time for that. We have to make it to the movies. Plus, you want it and there is no fun in that,’ he says, ‘I am going to play with you mentally. And it’s going to hurt. Do you still want to play?’

My thoughts start to swarm. I do want to play. There has never been a time when I did not want him to play with me. But I don’t want to be hurt badly. And I know this play is going to hurt a lot. I am already expecting what it is going to be. Last time it happened, he called me right away and told me over the phone, which made me angry and detached. ‘Why am I not enough? Why does he need more? Why now? Couldn’t he wait?’ My mind would not stop. So I said that the next time he fucks her, I only want to find out when we are together and only during play. I expected it to be easier somehow, or if not easier, then at least more fun than hearing over the phone: ‘It happened. I had sex with the student. And no, she did not stay over.’

‘You look scared. What is going through your head? What do you think is going to happen?’ he asks.

‘I think you’ve slept with her again.’

‘You think so? You think I am going to tell you about what I did with the student last Monday?’

‘Yes.’

And he does. My chest tightens, and I lose my breath for a bit as he starts telling me about what happened. And then something heavy, slippery, and way too big to fit in starts travelling down my throat.

‘You think I am going to tell you how she sucked me off? And that she could take it pretty deep?’ He takes my shirt off and unbuttons his pants. ‘Just like you are going to suck me off now. And show me how deep you can take it?’

I look at him, but I do not proceed to move down towards his crotch. ‘You don’t want to do it, huh? You really don’t want to suck my cock now, don’t you? This makes it so much more fun, though,‘ he says, pushing me down and forcing himself into my mouth, ‘maybe you can even still taste her? Can you?’

It is a rhetorical question. I definitely can't, especially since they were using a condom. But I still try to discern her taste from his. No trace, though. I proceed with the blowjob, but it is a half-hearted one. My mouth is numb. My whole body is numb. I want to disappear. That would make it easier for everyone. He would be free to fuck the student as much as he wants. Everyone else would be spared the awkwardness of having to deal with me on a daily basis.

‘C’mon, you can do better than this. I know you do. Make some effort.’

I follow the orders. I make an effort. I go deep. Maybe even deeper than I usually do, as by now I don’t feel anything anymore. And following orders is easier than dealing with myself at the moment.

‘I want you to fuck me now. Take your pants off and ride me,’ he says while taking his off. I slip out of my black velvet trousers and black lacy panties. I take off the socks as well, as I know a naked woman with only the socks on is not an appealing sight. And I still want to be appealing to him, even if the way I feel now, the chance he finds me appealing is slim. I swing my leg over him, lowering down to let him slip his cock into me. Then I start riding him while he is caressing my nipples. But I feel like being on autopilot.

‘You like it, don’t you?’ he asks, and I turn my head away. I don’t.

‘You find it hot. I can see it. Do you find it hot to imagine you are now in exactly the same position as she was a few days ago? Hungry for my cock just as you are.’

His eyes are piercing, and I can’t stand looking into them. The image of me riding him is melting with her in my brain, and it’s all I can think of. He starts bouncing my hips to go faster, and that increases my pleasure, so I moan, and immediately, an image of her moaning appears in my head. I imagine him looking at her with hungry, desiring eyes. The same eyes he had when we got a lap dance together, and a skinny red-headed stripper was humping on his lap while I sat next to them. I’ve never seen him looking like that at me. So turned on. So desiring more.

‘You are zoning out. Tell me what you see.’,

‘I don’t know,’ I reply.

‘You don’t know what you see? You’re lying. Tell me what you see. NOW!’

‘I see her riding you and moaning with pleasure.’

‘Just like you are riding me now? What is she wearing?’

‘Nothing,’ I lie, even though I see her wearing a white lacy bra.

I don’t know why I lie. I guess it is easier than telling the truth. Doesn’t raise so many questions. Because why lacy white? Is it because it is something I would never wear myself? Is my brain trying to make clear how much different she is from me? Younger, prettier, with a more beautiful body. Wearing innocent lingerie while being a slut that I am not? Enjoying sex and initiating it for her own pleasure while all I can do is scream into a pillow while being ‘raped’?

I start moaning more because he is squeezing and caressing my nipples and making me go faster. ‘Are you cumming? Are you going to cum thinking about her fucking me on a couch?’ I shake my head.

‘No. No. No. No.’ It can not happen. I don’t want it. I numb myself even more. And it doesn’t.

‘Alright, get off and blow me again. But this time go on your knees.’

‘Why does he want me to go on my knees? That’s probably how she blew him,’ I think, and I can see it right away, her kneeling in front of him, looking him in the eyes while taking him deep into her mouth. With pleasure but teasing. Confident in her ability to satisfy him and happily owning the power to do it.

‘Are you imagining her in your position now?’ he asks again, taking his dick out of my mouth and pushing me towards his balls, ‘Do you think she kissed them too?’ I start sucking them, ‘or sucked them?’ I nod.

‘You know, I’ve told her I’m going to cuck you using her, and she didn’t mind. She might even be up for you being in the same room one day. She thinks she might like it. Seeing you cry in the corner while I fuck her hard doggy style. I’ll be rough with her. Just how you would wish me to be with you.’

‘Does she like that too?’ I think. ‘Of course she does. That’s why she’s into him. So he can fuck her hard. But why does she want me to be there? So they can both laugh at me? She must think I’m fucked up and pathetic. Having my boyfriend fuck other women whenever he wants. Wanting to watch but not participate. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like other girls who are into threesomes? Why don’t I want to get something out of it as well? How low I must have gone to agree to my boyfriend fucking other women and telling me the details without being able (or even wanting) to do the same? Why do I let him break my heart voluntarily? And do it over and over again? Why does he even want to be with such a pathetic thing?’

‘Do you see her sucking my balls like you are now? Do you think she went down to my asshole too?’ I shake my head.

‘No, I don’t think so. She’s not devoted to him like I am,’ I think.

‘You don’t think so, huh? But you will, won't you?’ he says while sinking deeper into my couch and exposing his asshole to me. I nod and start licking it and pushing my tongue inside devotedly. So that I can finally disappear into an action that only I would do. So I can get her image overlaid on mine out of my head and focus on being nobody. A toy made to please him. The only woman he can do whatever he wants to and who will keep coming back. Nobody else is that pathetic.

It is not a reassuring thought, though. It’s a stone-pulling-you-deep-into-dark-desperate-waters thought. It’s a thought that when I am done licking him clean and it’s time for aftercare, the only place I am able to take it is on the floor next to his legs, but barely touching them. And the only other thought that is in my head next to this one is ‘I don’t want to be me’.