All my thoughts and stories are here…
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When his kindness makes you cry
So we’ve got to a point in our relationship in which no matter what he does, it leaves me a sobbing mess. He doesn’t have to abuse me for that anymore. He can also just be nice.
Maybe submission is not cool but embracing it, is
Anyone who has seen me play can tell that there is nothing more natural to me than to submit. The moment that I feel that someone has the power to take over and dominate me, I lean into it immediately. There is no struggle in me to let go. Nobody has to earn my submission. It's right under the surface the entire time, just waiting to be discovered. You don't even have to do much. It’s enough if you just scratch it and I'm already yours, staring at you with my puppy eyes and longing for more.
This time I wasn't scared, I was terrified
We've reached a new level of fear play recently. A level on which it starts to be really hard to tell the fantasy from the truth, where the line between them becomes blurry and you start doubting whether what you are doing is really just a game. And now the only thing that I can think of is that I want more.
Random acts of malice aka Reasons why I love him so much
Just some weird bitter-sweet snippets from my relationship.
Being a submissive is not cool
The more I play and the deeper my submission to my owner becomes, the more I realize that I don't accept it in myself. I'm not at peace with being a submissive. I don't find it cool. No matter how much I hear that it's beautiful. No matter how much people preach that it's a strength to be able to open up and make yourself so vulnerable, that it's a strength to be true to yourself, to recognize your needs and to follow them. I don't find it strength if what I want is to be weak.
Playing with fire
I think that my biggest kink is mind play. I like physical experiences, but the body has so much more limitations than the mind. You can vary the intensity and parts of the body to which you apply physical pain, but in the end, the experiences are quite similar. Of course, most of the time there is some emotional aspect related to the physical pain, but the spectrum of emotions you can elicit this way is rather limited to low-level ones, like fear or anger. The human mind on the other hand… There, the possibilities of inflicting pain are almost endless.
My gift
I have recently realized that one of the things that I enjoy the most, sexually, is giving myself to my partner. Being completely at their disposal. Not just letting them have my body to use, but giving them the entire me, entrust them with every corner of my being to penetrate. I think that it is a very special gift and it should not be taken lightly.
I'm sorry for forcing you not to fuck me
Last weekend I broke a rule set by my owner. For the first time. It was a simple rule. I was not allowed to cum until he decides otherwise. I think it was around a month since I came the last time and I was pretty sure, that the next time we'll see each other, he'll finally fuck me.
If I am living a dream then why does it feel so much like a nightmare?
Throughout my life, I have grown used to getting what I want. It's quite amazing to what length others will go to please you if most of the time it is you, who is pleasing them. Now, you might think that I was a spoiled child, but it wasn’t the case. Quite the opposite. I was, in fact, a very good girl. Good student, good daughter, a good girlfriend. I've been moulding myself into a person who is pleasing to others, in order to make sure that, when the time comes, they will please me.
There is duality to me that I can’t quite explain
I've been participating in quite a lot of intense scenes lately. Actually, it's hard for me to recall a scene that I took part in and that wasn't intense in some way. Most of the time I am loving it. I love to scream and beg and cry and moan. Especially with a small crowd of spectators around. Only until I don't.
My kinky play rule book
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my approach to kinky play and risks related to it. And out of all that thinking I decided that it will be good to put my thoughts on paper, both to make them more concrete, but also out of laziness. Now I can just make people read it before we go into any discussions about kink, play, consent etc.
Am I a bad feminist? - A sub’s question
I’ve read an article entitled ‘The female price of male pleasure’ today and it stirred up a lot in me... Sadness, shame, guilt, disappointment, anger. A lot of old triggers came up. But also a lot of fresh thoughts were buzzing in my head. The tension was calling for a release. And what is a better valve for an angry and disappointed feminist then listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade and crying? Writing your thoughts down. So I did. It helped me to get over some things. And I feel like sharing it with others might make it even more powerful.